Fife's Top Quality Singer

This is going to be a section for Al and Joanie to have a moan....

IF YOU FEEL YOU MAY BE OFFENDED BY ANY OF OUR MOANS OR UPSET BY OUR OPINIONS MAY I SUGGEST YOU NAVIGATE AWAY FROM THIS PAGE.  MAYBE TO A NICE PAGE ABOUT BUNNIES OR FLOWERS PERHAPS.  THESE MOANS CONSITUTE OUR OPINIONS AND FEELINGS ABOUT SOME OF THE THINGS AND PEOPLE WE ENCOUNTER WHEN WORKING.  WARTS AND ALL.

MAIN MOANING SECTION 

Applause (or lack thereof)

Well what can I say that hasn't been said by every musician in the past.  We perform live in front of you.  Whether with backing tracks or a band, we are there to entertain. We are not the jukebox or some stupid reality "talent" show.  Your applause, appreciation or sometimes just your attention would be nice.  There are many great venues out there where we receive a great welcome, and the audience listens to our every word, laughing along with us and having a bit of banter. 

So why do some people seem to think that we do not deserve applause?  It's the "Who does she think she is?" attitude I don't understand.  You go along to do a job, and people are aware that you are there, but it's almost like they want it to be hard work, then moan if they don't like your song choices.  It's a two way street, people.  If you show absolutely no interest in any particular genre of music, or ignore everything we do, we will just do what we damn well please and think of the money rather than enjoying the gig.

So next time some poor musician is performing, take the time to put your drink down and give a little bit of encouragement. 

I thank you.

Stop bumping into me!

Well what can I say?  I'm certainly not invisible.  I'm no stranger to a pie, and cannot be described as skinny by any means.  So - see when I am working?  STOP BUMPING INTO ME AND THE GEAR!

The gear is expensive, and if you knock my mic stand you could knock my newly-paid-for crown out.  I like my teeth.  They fit nicely in my head.  A well placed bash on the stand with your flailing arms/backside/legs can cost me a lot of money.  I'm not Cilla Black.  My teeth are not insured for a gazillion bucks. 

If you hurt yourself by skelping yerself into my gear, that's your lookout.  But that gear is essential for my work.  My livelihood depends on being able to keep it in one piece. I realise we all get a bit exhuberant with a bit of alcohol in our systems.  God knows I've been there.  But once is an accident.  Repeatedly throwing yourself into me is taking the pee. Gonny no dae that.

Rant over.

Being ill sucks...

I've recently had to cancel a gig due to ill health.  I had what seemed to be a cold/throat infection, but felt guilty and sang through it the previous week because I didn't want to let anyone down, or lose out on a weekend's money.  As a result, I think it has taken me longer to get over the infection, and my general health has suffered. 

I need to let venues and pub/club goers know here and now that I DO NOT take the decision to cancel lightly, and if I do have to cancel a gig there is ALWAYS a genuine reason for doing so.  I NEVER cancel a gig to take a more lucrative one elsewhere, and I don't ever tell lies about my vocal health.

So if I must cancel your gig, and you were really looking forward to seeing me, I apologise. 

No, it's NOT a karaoke!!!!!

No.  You can't sing a song.  No, I am not a karaoke compere any more.  No, I don't care if you are a good singer.  No, I don't care how much you might think you look/sound like some autotuned lollipop head. This is MY gig.  I am being paid to work.  My job is singing for you. No matter how much you point at my mic and beckon it towards you, it IS NOT HAPPENING! And giving me "evils" just makes you look like an @rse.  Go away.

Oh and dancing about in front of me pretending your bottle is a microphone while I am singing so everyone looks at you and not me is just sad.

"You should be on the [insert current reality TV music talent show]"

Since I started this job back in 2003, there have been quite a few TV talent shows.  And during each one's run, someone has come up to me and told me I should be on them....

I do not rate these shows at all.  To me, they are nothing but media hype generating, scripted guff.  There's only ever one winner, and that is whoever is counting the cash at the end of the Xmas number one sales frenzy.

There you go, I said it. 

In my opinion ,things are said and done on these programmes just for effect, and drama created from nothing just to fill all those women's magazines full of pointless articles about who's said what/who's wearing what/who's sleeping with whom. Those who seem to show real talent are passed over in favour of those people who will make more money/headlines/marketing deals for the show, regardless of talent.

That's MY PERSONAL OPINION ONLY, by the way. If this upsets you, may I refer you to the suggestions at the top of this page. 

My Facebook page is always full of people talking about it. Thank goodness we are usually out when this drivel is on.  I am not one of the many millions of sheep who blindly follow where they are led.

I'd be interested in a show where they take some of these folk and have them do a tour of the pubs and clubs, doing a 3 hour night of around 35 songs, just like a lot of us out there.  And we're not autotuned, nor do we have a stylist and a team of "experts" telling us what to do.

And there you are. Rant over...

Let's buy a house next to a pub...

Some may not like this bit, and I'm sure some will comment on it, but I never said I was going to be a fluffy bunny kinda girl..

You see a house.  You see it's next to a pub.  So you obviously realise that there are going to be people going to and fro, maybe a bit the worse for wear.  You will also take it as read that the pub may have some music playing (Unless it's a Wetherspoons...). Whilst I understand that loud music is a pain if you have young children etc, you must realise that a Saturday night may bring a singer, or a band.  It's gonna be loud.  It's not going to go on much past midnight - in fact some venues have their music on earlier in the day so they are finished earlier.

To me, it's like living next to a motorway and complaining about the traffic.  Let me know what you think ..

I'll start when I start.  Not before!

I've been asked by a few punters lately to start early.  Erm no.  I will start when I am booked to start. Reasons given for me to start early include -

• you're going away. 
• you have ordered a taxi. 
• "oh go on, it's just one song".
• Your wife/partner/next door neighbour likes a particular song.
• You could sing it yourself.

Do you go into work early?  If your boss saw you had arrived early would it be okay for him/her to say "Oh go on. It's only half an hour", and not pay you any extra for it?  If you are being paid to do a job of work, you work within your time scale.  

Funny looks

Please don't take me at face value.  I may not be pretty, or skinny, but it doesn't mean I can't sing.  Your local pub is not the venue for the X Factor, or BGT, and you are NOT Simon Cowell/Dannii Minogue/Cheryl Cole/Louis Walsh.  So quit looking at me funny.  Give me a chance to sing, and you may change your mind about me.  Yes I have probably ate the vast majority of the pies.  Yes I am ginger. Geez a chance..

Moaning about my moaning

I like to think I am honest and straightforward, so I apologise if anyone objects when I have a good old moan about something.  Actually I don't.  This is my site, and I use it to let everyone know where they can see me. I also use the site to let any other singers know they are not alone. Good gigs are great, but bad gigs happen now and then.  it's nice to know that it happens to someone else, and it's not just your fault.

Sometimes it's a glamorous job, where you are made to feel welcome and appreciated, and the crowd applauds at the end of every song.  Sometimes it's a pin-droppingly silent slog. But can anyone really say they have never had a bad day at work? A day where nothing seems to go right and you have to soldier on?

So as they say round my way, Geez a break, and if my moans annoy you, avoid this page...

My name on your poster/in your ad

NB My name is JOANIE.  ONE `N`! Not Joannie, Joni, Johnny(!). Johnnie, Johannie, Joany, Jodie, Jodi, Jonie, Toni or any other weird and wonderful spelling.  Or Heather. Or Stevie.

It's Joanie.

I'm telling you, and I shouldn't.  After all, you spelled it right in order to find this site.  If you see my name spelled wrong anywhere, please tell the owner of the pub or club, and let me know of any other strange combinations of letters you see!

How much???!!!

I am always being asked how much I charge for a night's work.  Well the answer is - it depends on where, when and for how long, along with what occasion, any special requests etc. 

So you may book me only to find that I did someone else's night for less/more.  Well maybe there was a good reason . 

Can I ask that when you book me you have a solid idea of what you want me to do for you BEFORE you call or email?  I ain't no Derren Brown, and I'm not here to diddle you out of your hard earned. 

I've done nights for £150, £170, some for £250, and even a few for £500, but before you gasp, some of them were a long long way away, or on a special night, like Hogmanay.  My tribute act will be more expensive too, but you get what you pay for.  If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys, as they say. Sometimes I even have to stay somewhere overnight, or spend most of the day staring at the motorway, pulling into some scary motorway caff or other at dark o clock in the morning.  All of these expenses have to be taken into consideration. 

There's also -

• public liability insurance
• equipment insurance
• Car insurance  (which is quite expensive in my line of work)
• Road Tax
• Diesel
• Wear and tear on our car
• Drinks during gigs (It's very rare for an act to be offered a drink by a venue nowadays)
• Clothing
• backing tracks to be purchased
• Time taken to learn new material

This list is not exhaustive...

The best idea, I reckon, is to email me direct at mail@joanie.co.uk.

Please include the following -

• When
• Where
• From/to what time
• Any special requests re material/arrival times/set up times
• Your name!

Okay.  That's better now that's out.....

Twittering - and not the social network..

Why do some singers sing a dozen notes when one will do?  You sing a song - you don't attack it like a runner doing the steeplechase.  Neither do you make a line of a song into an obstacle to be tackled like it's the enemy.

It sounds like I'm jealous.  Obviously I'd like the scale of wages paid to some famous professional colloratura-type singers.  That would indeed be nice.  But I'd rather hear a good, clean, powerful voice than someone's warm up exercises.

Oh and I'd like to introduce you to a thing called vocal range.  That means how high/low you can sing. My range is quite wide, but I have more low end than most.  Consequently I may do more male vocal songs than most, but it is still definitely me.  I am not twiddling with some auto tuner computer program or other, and neither am I a bloke in disguise. It's not a CD! Stop watching my lips to see if it's me!

My vocal range may be different from the song you are asking me to do.  I will change keys etc in advance if needed, but my inability to sing Mariah Carey twittery whistles doesn't mean I am not a good singer. If so-and-so at such-and-such pub can sing high stuff, that's fine. Good for them. Please don't be disappointed if I don't. Trot on.

It's My Mic... Get Yer Own...

Please note - I do not allow anyone to use my microphone. This is not because I am a snob or don't want to be `outdone`.  Maybe you are a great singer.  It's not because of that.

There are three reasons really -

1. My microphone was really quite expensive.  Dropping or swinging it is NOT an option!

2. I generally lose work from time to time due to throat infections, colds and flu.  I try to avoid other people's germs. and the smell of what they had for their tea.

3. I am here to entertain YOU.  If everyone who wanted to sing was allowed, I wouldn't be able to!  Please let me do my job!

4. I don't really care if wee Shuggie has a great voice, or if he's a karaoke king.  Let me put it another way - If I was a bus driver, would I let you drive my bus? I can just imagine it.  "Hey missus, I've been on a bus - how's about sliding over and letting me drive?" erm no. It's not your bus, and you aren't insured to drive it.  And maybe the passengers would complain.

5. My PUBLIC LIABILITY INSURANCE does NOT cover you. Should you disappear under a speaker, or put your back out dancing about like Elvis, or clock another punter with the mic, i would be in BIG trouble.

At the end of the set, I usually have around and hour and a half of travelling and putting away equipment. Please note that we cannot allow you to help with this for health and safety reasons. Thank you for asking and offering to help, but no thanks.

I'm sure that everyone who wants to sing have wonderful voices and could do well in the job. But I am here to entertain YOU.  Sit back and relax...

Afterthought...

I know I am a moaning b*gger, but this page is all about that, isn't it?  If you are upset or have taken personally any of my comments, may I suggest a little Pan pipe music, or a hot cup of camomile tea and a biccy.